Arrogant Jerk

It’s probably more difficult to be an Arrogant Jerk when you live in humble circumstances, but Philip Garrido proved it can be done when he defended his actions to news reporters yesterday.

While admitting it was ‘disgusting’ that he kidnapped a young 11-year old Jaycee Lee Dugard from her bus stop in 1991 and proceeded to rape her for 18 years, Philip Garrido said “Wait until you hear what happened in this house” and went on to explain that the public would “be completely impressed” by his self-righteously proposed “heartwarming life turnaround”. Words cannot describe the visions in my head at this point, and frankly it may be illegal for me to divulge what I want to do to this guy after hearing him say this.

Philip Garrido is the kind of Arrogant Jerk for which vigilante justice was created. We can only hope in our wildest of dreams that the judge in charge of this case throws him into General Population and turns his back. At least for a few minutes. Garrido wouldn’t make it to the chow line (I am pleased in my understanding that child rapists do not fare well among prisoners).

The story we know so far: 11-year old Jaycee Lee Dugard was standing at her school bus stop down the road from her house one morning in 1991. Her stepfather was watching her from the driveway a short ways away. A car pulls up and someone snatches Jaycee and she is never seen again. For 18 years.

During this 18 years, some of the most incomprehensibly horrible things happen to a number of people. Let’s list them:

1. Jaycee is held against her will, brainwashed, and raped numerous times. She produced two children along the way, fathered (we presume) by Philip Garrido. Garrido’s wife, Nancy, by the way, gets an honorable mention as ‘Defective Arrogant Jerk Wife’ for standing by and watching it all happen, a la Wanda Barzee.
2. Jaycee’s mother cries herself to sleep approximately 6,570 times as she wonders what happened to her little girl for 18 years, many of which she probably gives into, or fights off the nagging thought that perhaps her husband and stepfather to Jaycee, Carl Probyn, may have had something to do with it (most child abductions are carried out by a family member, with step-somethings maintaining prime suspicion).
3. Carl Probyn, Jaycee’s stepfather, the only witness to the event, was scrutinized, disbelieved, ridiculed and discredited from the moment police arrived on the scene. His life has been miserable in knowing that while he was telling the truth; no one would believe him. Ever. It broke up his marriage, and cost him approximately 6,570 days of unbelievable frustration. Based on the reports, it appears that he stayed on the trail and did everything he possibly could to find the girl, no doubt in part motivated by the possibility of clearing his name.
4. Extended family and friends who no doubt spent many a night in anguish over the mysterious loss of their beloved child. It is terrible to loose a child to death. It must be excruciating to loose a child to an unknown and perhaps terrible destiny. The mental baggage is ruinous to say the least.
5. Let’s not forget there are two innocent and perhaps completely unknowing young ladies (aged 11 and 15) involved, too. I am sure their brains are doing extreme gymnastics as the facts unfold around them and they try to get a grip on their alternate reality. They will suddenly not know who they are, and will spend years trying to figure it out.

After all this, Garrido’s Arrogant stance that we might be “completely impressed” by anything he could have done establishes him as such a Jerk that I am having a hard time keeping my language clean. The death penalty seems too easy a punishment for this kind of crime, even if it were available. This Arrogant Jerk has some serious gall to think we would consider anything he could have done in this situation as worthy of any positive impression. I can’t think of a single instance by which these actions can be justified.

Nope; This kind of Arrogant Jerk deserves to receive the kind of punishment that only Quentin Tarantino could come up with. Something Jack Bauer couldn’t hold a candle to. This is among the most terrible acts I can imagine, and it deserves some equal and opposing reaction. The fact that a child was involved should immediately invoke a penalty involving a rusty dull knife and Garrido’s private parts. Spare the expense for anesthetic; this SOB needs to feel it.

Rot slowly, you Arrogant Kidnapping Jerk. And take your defective wife with you (motherly instinct, my ass!).

Watch a creepy video of Philip Garrido here, saying some extremely Arrogant and Jerky things. You’ll want to break his neck.

Boy oh boy; they are comin’ out of the woodwork now, aren’t they?

Senator Charles Schumer of New York apparently doesn’t travel far from his comfy desk. If he did, he would realize that our country is made up of about 70 percent of what he describes as ‘chattering class’. Yes, it seems by his definition that when you discuss your concerns with your fellow human around the water cooler you are part of that despicable underbelly of America he refers to as ‘The Chattering Class’.

A new class we weren’t aware of? Just where does The Chattering Class reside on the scale of class in America? By Senator Schumer’s tone you can assume he believes The Chattering Class is just under Low Class. Certainly his demeanor assures us that The Chattering Class is well below his rank as ‘Senator’, a ‘class’ I am sure he feels entitles him to discuss America’s future with his ‘kind’ without the disparaging nomenclature.

Senators ‘discuss’ while the rest of us ‘chatter’? What an Arrogant Jerk.

To solidify his place in this blog he attempts to assure us that ‘The American people really don’t care’ about the massive amounts of pork we just baked into our ’stimulus’ plan. I can’t wait to taste that pork in about three years when the money runs out and we look into the vault to see a little yellow Post-It note that reads ‘IOU: One Trillion Dollars. Have a nice day!’.  Mmmmm; yummy.

Here’s to hoping that this little wake up call changes things when Senator Schumer is up for election. Let’s send him back to Arrogant Jerk Class, where he belongs.

Dear Nancy,

My job is obsolete, no one wants my services, and for my products there are better, cheaper alternatives.

Please, on my behalf, ask the American tax payers to support me for the next 10 years while I work to produce nothing. Also, I would like a little extra because I plan to build a business with no plans to innovate any new products or services, and I will need employees to help me.

In this way I plan to help America by creating jobs for people who had to leave other similar businesses, or those who may be stuck in a government job with absolutely nothing to do in their entire work day.

I am writing with some urgency, too, because I did not plan for my future and unfortunately spent all my money on superfluous consumer goods. Last year I purchased a new automobile that was well beyond my means, and our extended vacation went a little over budget because, well, who doesn’t need souvenirs, right? Anyway; we are in a bit of a hurry because the bill collectors are starting to get a little impatient, and I would like to get them off my back before our cruise next month.

Please give my regards to those in the Senate who are opposing this much needed ’stimulus’ package. I do not understand why they would want to debate and scrutinize your plans when it is clear that America needs this money now! Don’t they realize that creating jobs out of thin air and putting people to work with no productive objective will give our economy a burst of energy in much the same way those expensive cans of energy drink do? I don’t mean to imply that our economy may experience an even more devastating ‘crash’ once the sugar rush is over; I am sure that once the extra roads and bridges are built, the condoms distributed, and the unnecessary litigation completed, that our American workers will have plenty of options for employment. After all, by then our economy will be back on it’s feet and running at full steam on the shoulders of our artificially inflated job market.

I think it is wrong for those senators to oppose you. They shouldn’t want to debate you or challenge your ideas; don’t they realize that you were awarded your position because you are smarter than everyone else? I’ll bet they just think you are an opportunistic partisan politician working to forward the liberal agenda without consideration for the potentially destructive consequences of spending nearly a trillion dollars on unproven financial tactics. They are probably saying things like ‘that’s what got us into this mess in the first place’. Ha, they just don’t know what they are talking about; everyone knows it is because Bush rushed us to judgment over false reports of WMDs.

I can remember hearing our then Leader and Chief shout over the podium ‘If we don’t act now, and without a moment’s consideration, all will be lost!’. ‘No time to debate’ he said, and rushed us to a war that cost more, did less, and nearly broke America in half with each side of our political structure simultaneously defending and attacking decisions on a daily basis. I am sure glad our new president is taking the time to review and weigh the considerations of both parties as he promised he would do, and taking pause to assure that we are not rushing to judgment as he so eloquently demonstrated was the failure of our previous administration.

So, with no further adieu I await a check from you as I eagerly look in my mail box every day. I am growing weary of doing nothing all day and not getting paid for it. It’s time for change, and I am ready for a new government who will finally see my plight and understand that I have needs, too. I appreciate your understanding for my situation, and am glad that your stimulus will come to me with little or no expectation that I will produce or innovate anything. That would be slavery!

I am glad, too, that this stimulus package will arrive in time to keep me off welfare; the last thing we need is a government burdened with paying welfare and saddled with bad debt. We all know where that leads: higher taxes. Glad we are not headed down that road. In fact, it would probably be a great idea if the government would just buy controlling interest in America’s large companies and banks to make sure that they continue to run like a well oiled machine, much like our social security, healthcare, and public education systems have done for so many years. We all know that companies can’t do well without government aid, tight regulations, and a steep tax on innovation and success. Companies should carry the load, not ‘us’!

Thank you, Nancy, for your commitment to bipartisanship, open debate, and the future of America. Thank you, too, for supporting our new president in his commitment to reach across the isle, to reach outside of Washington, and to reach consensus. I really think this is going to work.

—A. J.

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0209/18514.html