Arrogant Jerk

Ted Turner said in a recent interview with PBS that he has “always suffered from foot-in-the-mouth disease”. Mark this down as one of the few times I can agree with him.

I seriously look forward to a day when I have so much money that reality just doesn’t matter. Of course I could probably just buy some weed on the street corner and achieve the same level of dementia for just a couple of bucks. Get this…

According to Ted, in 30 or 40 years Mother Earth will be eight degrees warmer, and we will all be cannibals because “basically, none of our crops will grow”. Seriously; he said that. With a straight face. I thought I was previewing the Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live. Ted Turner is a Ridiculous Arrogant Jerk.

Don’t worry about being eaten just yet; Ted also explained that most of us will be dead by then. He also suggested that the reason the Earth is warming is because there are “too many people using too much stuff”. The solution he suggests is that we all voluntarily limit the number of children we spawn to “one or two”. Kind of like all those Hollywood tree huggers who voluntarily drive hybrid vehicles… as their third car! Yeah, that seems to be working. But wait, aren’t we jumping the gun here;

Global warming, as scientist are learning, is a seasonal pattern that occurs every century or so. Our Earth has experienced periods of warming before, and also periods of cooling. In fact, evidence is shaping up to show that we are heading into a cooling period as we speak.

And will eight degrees really destroy all our crops? I am pretty sure eight degrees in my high mountain region will actually enable crop production during specific times of the season. I really cannot imagine a world full of cannibals, so I am hoping he is wrong.

Perhaps Ted has been watching too many of those old zombie movies from the Turner Network Archives.

I read more of what Ted had to say in his interview with PBS and was quite surprised at his level of absurdity. He sounds like a guy who has been reading too much conspiracy theory, and believes it. He needs to get out and walk around a bit. Feel the grass, breath the air, spend a couple bucks on one of those Chicago dogs.

We’re still a bit chilly here in the mountains; eight degrees would make things just about right. Rest assured, I am certain that no one will want to eat you come August when temps soar above 100. Extra crispy?

UPDATE: No sooner did I post this than did the BBC publish an interesting article about ‘global warming’. The article, titled Global Temperatures To Decrease, can be found here. Somebody tell Ted, before he gets too hungry.

I believe Heather Mills is such an Arrogant Jerk that she doesn’t comprehend what she is doing to herself.

The Daily Mail (not necessarily a beacon of trust) reports that Heather has now issued a statement demanding that court records be completely revealed. The reason she wants this, is because she feels that the partially revealed records vilify her as, well, an Arrogant Jerk. What she doesn’t realize is that it is her public behavior that vilifies her as an Arrogant Jerk, and nothing in the world will help that. Not even $50 million dollars, apparently.

The really Arrogant thing about her statement, and current rant, is that she is contradicting herself. Blatantly. In her professionally read statement (she didn’t read it herself; she has ‘people’ to do that for her. Glad she is putting the money to good use…), she says:

“With my head held high, I am very glad to be a strong woman and will use my wealth productively and continue my attempts to make a positive difference in this world. My strength and determination to move on and continue the work we started years ago is fortified by your support.”

YaWhah? Let’s get a few things straight Missy: Your head is not ‘held high’, and you are not taking the high road. You are a barking mad dog with no decent purpose. Please let it be and move to a quiet private island and spend some time with your daughter while she still likes you. And what’s all this about ‘my wealth’; come on, it almost sounds like you feel you earned that money. You didn’t. People who have done truly great things for this world will never see that kind of money. You stole it by pretending to be extraordinarily needy. Nice job.

The only ‘difference’ you are making in ‘this world’ is self condemnation. Please stop, this isn’t a good idea. We actually thought you were kind of cute once. Not any more. We actually enjoy publishing awful pictures of you to emphasize the point that you have become a raging mad dog (note the one on this post).

And let’s not get her wrong, people; the ‘work’ that she is so inspired to continue is not an admirable effort to save the children or the whales. No, the ‘work’ that she is referring to here is her attack on Sir Paul and her effort to get the courts to reveal the rest of the trial documents. Oh, but in the same breath she is quick to note that “As the record shows, I had no wish for these proceedings to be made public, but releasing them in part is particularly unfair“.

Probably. But I am not sure releasing the rest of the docs is going to help her cause. We already think she is an Arrogant Jerk. Does she now think that when we learn about when Paul called her an awful so-and-so way back when, that our hearts will melt and we will suddenly feel sorry for her and demand that Paul cough up another $200 million to match her original request? I don’t think so.

Whatever Paul called her, if he did at all, it is likely that we will all think he was being nice.

In a book about how to get the rest of the world against you, you might find a chapter featuring Heather Mills and her angst-ridden tirade against our beloved Beatle, Sir Paul McCartney.

The case study would start with a too-short courting period, followed by a fairy tale wedding and equally short marriage to one of the single most eligible widowers of our time. Then, and as if to throw salt on the wounds, the jilted woman would begin demanding absurd amounts of money and recompense for spending four miserable years living a life of luxury.

As many of us did, I grew up on Paul McCartney’s music. I can recite almost every Beatles song, and whenever I hear a Wings song, I am flush with memories of my adolescence. Pleasant ones. And so for this reason, I and many McCartney fans are voicing our disgust for what we collectively regard as an obvious case of an Arrogant Gold Digging Jerk gone wild.

No one can say we didn’t see it coming. In fact I knew things were awry when I heard somewhere that Heather couldn’t personally name a single Beatles song just prior to the wedding. Not even a hard working gold digger, she didn’t even bother to be remotely interested in what makes Paul The Walrus.

For several reasons, people are pointing to Sir Paul as The Fool on the Hill. And to some extent I might agree. But to his credit, and with a dash of empathy, we have to recognize that he was still ailing after the loss of his lifelong love, Linda, and he may not have been thinking straight. May Linda rest in peace, if that is even possible while this is going on.

Heather Mills finally had her day in court today, and walked away with about 50 million dollars. Not bad for four years’ work. If she lives to be 90, she will have to spend more than a million dollars a year to run it dry. So you would think that she would have little to complain about. Oh no; she apparently had plenty to complain about.

Reporters were reportedly appalled to hear her rant on and on after the court handed her a free ticket to ride. They even counted the number of words (about 33) until she mentioned her work with ‘charities’ (a running joke aimed at her propensity for self adulation in the name of the needy). She certainly didn’t seem grateful, and took the moment to make sure everyone considered her the victim.

So I will hereby recognize her as the ‘Arrogant Other’ for being a Jerk to Sir Paul, and for drawing the ire of everyone after droning on in complaint while tucking 50 million dollars in her purse. Not one penny of which she actually deserves. Sure, she says it’s ‘for Beatrice’, the daughter they had together. Yet, in the same breath she mentions that nannies are pretty expensive these days.

I can’t think of a single mother who doesn’t dream of having a mere tenth of what Heather just received, longing for the chance to spend every lasting moment with the children. The fact that Heather Mills keeps mentioning a nanny makes me think that Beatrice was just a pawn in her bid to make a buck.

Yes, Heather Mills is the ‘other woman’ to Linda McCartney, who’s love and devotion continues to serve as an inspiration against the antithesis we know as Heather’s worldly example of marital convenience and charitable pandering.

Linda could name a Beatles song or two. Let’s hope his next love can, too.

Heidi Fleiss calls ‘Client 9′ an ‘Arrogant Jerk’, and so do I.

‘Client 9′, it is presumed, is actually New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Spitzer is rumored to be resigning today over a scandal involving himself, a string of high-priced prostitutes, and the ethical backbone of a slug.

To catch you up; Heidi Fliess, the former Madam, is held up as a subject matter expert in an unsealed investigation into prostitution spanning from New York to Washington DC. ‘Client 9′ is a person named in the court documents, presumably to hide his (or her) identity as a public figure. Currently speculation is running wild that ‘Client 9′ is really Governor Spitzer.

Based on court descriptions of ‘Client 9′, Fliess is on the record saying that she knows this type of client well, and that he is an Arrogant Jerk. I agree with Ms. Fliess, but for different reasons…

Governor Spitzer is an Arrogant Jerk for two fairly serious reasons: First, for cheating on his wife. Silda Wall Spitzer gets extra credit for standing by her man in his hour of desperation, even though I am sure there is plenty of well deserved venom being spewed behind the curtain. Cheating happens every day, but that doesn’t make it right, and it is an awful thing to do to someone who has stood by you while you climb the political ladder.

The second reason is equally troublesome and deceitful; Governor Spitzer has built his reputation on ‘cleaning up this town’. How can you clean up this town when you are literally in bed with the ‘enemy’?

I use the word ‘enemy’ softly, and still have a hard time understanding why prostitution is illegal in the first place. But it is, and that makes the governor a two faced Arrogant Jerk. Like so many evangelists and politicians before (and around) him, Spitzer was preaching one thing from the pulpit, and doing another in the closet.

He has sent people to jail for doing exactly what he does. Talk about a conflict of interest. I can just hear him in the break room saying ‘Hey judge, when you send this guy up the river for visiting a prostitute, see if you can get her number for me. …I, uh,… want to do a little research for my next public speech…’

Great job, Governor Spitzer, you are an Arrogant Jerk. Even Heidi Fleiss thinks so.

I enjoy a good rated-R movie every now and then, but there are those who would rather see a movie sans the swearing, nudity, or excessively creepy or violent scenes. I’m not here to argue the merits of creative license, or condemn those who might prefer to edit the content they choose to view. Frankly, I just don’t get the battle that put companies like CleanFlicks out of business.

Once I pay the $25 bucks for a DVD, I feel I should be able to watch or not watch whatever parts I want to.

And why the movie industry doesn’t just produce an alternate ‘clean’ version and throw it on the disk to reel in another 20 percent of the market really boggles my mind. They edit them to pieces for the airlines anyway; why not make a buck along the way? Back to our story…

While CleanFlicks has gone the way of the dodo, a handful of alternatives has cropped up in my conservative little town to help fill the apparently succeeding demand for edited movies.

Enter Daniel Thompson, former owner of a CleanFlicks-like business called Flix Club.

Daniel Thompson is an Arrogant Jerk. Why? I’ll tell you why; because he ran a business pretending to be all about good and clean morals while dealing in porn and exploitation. In fact, not only was porn found in the back room of his clean flick chop shop, he was busted for paying a teenager for sexual favors. Ouch! This guy is among the worst of them.

Daniel Thompson had the gall to pitch himself as a ‘defender of good’ in interviews and advertising, selling ‘cleaned up’ videos to people who thought he was on their side. There is just something a little disturbing to learn that you purchased something you felt was wholesome from someone who is clearly not.

Thompson was caught when the mother of the 14-year-old girl that he paid for sexual services questioned the young girl about where she got the money. The girl confessed and admitted to soliciting Thompson. The fact that he obliged has added to my growing paranoia and concern for the safety of my own children.

If you can’t trust the guy who edits the smut out of your videos, who can you trust? Not Daniel Thompson, this guy is a complete Arrogant Jerk.

Read the story here.

I was going to reveal that this news about an Arrogant Jerk caught my eye because I, too, am a biker. But I’ll be honest; I really haven’t been on my bike in any serious way for quite a while now. However I remain hopeful that I will muster the will to dust off my trusty wonder of mechanical ingenuity and ride again. Until then, I remain sympathetic, at least. Here’s the story…

Warren John Wilson, a 52 year old man from Fullerto, California, was out one day minding his own business when he was ‘nearly run over by a mountain bike rider’. This apparently offended Wilson so deeply that he took to exacting his revenge. And not just on the offending rider, but on all riders. He dug dangerous holes (over 50 of them) on the bike trail and hid them up like he was hunting tigers.

What an Arrogant Jerk.

While it is questionable to me that Mr. Wilson was just minding his own business when he was nearly run over, I think there is sufficient evidence in his behavior alone to safely label him a ‘crotchety old man’. The problem is, 52 isn’t that old. ‘Crotchety old man’ is distinctly reserved for people over 80, and for this reason we must assume he is an Arrogant Jerk. He probably yells at the kids who step on his lawn, too.

Anyway… Having gotten so upset over what must have been a near death experience for Mr. Wilson, he decided to sneak around an area where mountain bikers assemble and dig strategically placed holes in the trail in order to cause accidents. The holes were about a foot deep and about two feet across, just perfect for snagging the front tire of an unsuspecting biker and tossing them over the handlebars in what Wilson no doubt thought would be a moment of sweet revenge.

I think the same of this guy that I do of those suicidal Muslim extremists. The ones who get mad at someone and determine that strapping a bomb to their chest and boarding a crowded buss full of innocent people to blow them all up is a good idea. I know the difference between ‘dead’ and a trip to the dentist is hardly comparable, yet I can’t ignore the fact that we seem to be dealing with the same mentality.

The cracked logic that motivates someone to wish harm on ‘bikers at large’ after an encounter with a single biker is just plain wacky. 65 million years of evolution has definitely not been spread around evenly.

Reason tells me that there may be more to the story. Perhaps the bikers at large have been annoying this guy for a while now, and the near mishap was merely the last straw. Could be, and I fully understand this kind of frustration. It would certainly make his behavior seem a little more understandable, however still wacky.

Nevertheless, cyclists are not widely known to be troublemakers. I have to believe that the near miss that set this whole thing off was merely an accident. Tangling up with someone while riding a bike is just not within scope, and bikers are generally more interested in themselves and don’t go out of their way to cause trouble for others.

I’m pretty sure there was a better way to solve this. Endangering the forearms and dental work of innocent riders is ridiculous. Like blowing up a bus, this guy wanted collateral damage, and that is just not cool. This guy faces a felony count of vandalism, and probably deserves a kick in the shins. I hope the judge makes him go fill in all those holes, too.

For unfocused malice, and unbridled angst, Warren John Wilson is my Arrogant Jerk du jour.

To be honest, I am not sure how I have missed this guy for so long. Kanye West is perhaps the poster boy for the Arrogant Jerk blog, and for soooo many reasons. Let us count the ways…

Just last night, Kanye was all but completely overlooked by the folks at the MTV Video Music Awards. In true Arrogance, and with an extra dash of Jerkiness, Kanye began a tirade near the elevators after the show, complaining that he, of all people, had not an ounce of moonrock from the night’s awards table to place on his mantle.

He was heard loud and clear saying ‘That’s two years in a row, man, …Give a black man a chance!’

Um, Kanye; it’s about time you realize it has nothing to do with your color, and everything to do with your deprecative whining. It is a last resort for people who are really not that good, and it grows tiresome very quickly.

To add insult to injury, I am happy to report that of 184 photos posted by the Associated Press, 98 of them featured a black artist. I’ll do the math for you Kanye; that’s a full 53 percent of the limelight. Add Justin Timberlake and the numbers go up to nearly 80 percent. Time to start looking for a more credible reason why you are not getting any attention, brother.

(Someone please tell him it’s not President Bush, either. That bandwagon is still broken down on the side of the road back there in 2005.)

Before all this, West was throwing similar fits about walking home empty handed from the MTV Europe Video Music Awards. He just couldn’t contain himself as the award for best video was presented to another competitor, and Arrogantly announced that his video should have won because ‘it cost a million dollars to produce’. I haven’t seen the video he is talking about, but I will guess that it features Kanye spouting off about how The Man ruined his day and over-charged him for video editing.

The moment, by the way, looked awkwardly staged, leaving me wondering what kind of Arrogant Jerk begs the producers of a show to let him interrupt an award to make a fool of himself. His last-pitch bargaining chip probably sounded like this: ‘Come on, just let me do it and I promise I am the only one that will come off looking like an idiot.’

Last year I was astonished when Steve Jobs doted over him for an Apple special announcement. I thought ‘Steve, surely your PR team missed telling you what an Arrogant Jerk this guy is.’ But there he was. Kanye took the opportunity to trash president Bush and shout down The Man. What a great way to showcase your talent. Or emphasize the lack, thereof.

Steve’s crystal ball must have been in the shop that week; He is usually passing over the flash-in-the-pan for something with a little more staying power. ‘Heads are going to roll for this one’ I remember thinking. But I am not sure they ever did. Maybe Steve is human after all.

And who can forget Kanye West’s lame grab for publicity when he declared that he would be featured in the bible if it were written today. I cannot, for the life of me, think of a reason why. Even if his story were embellished with myth, I still would consider his contribution trite by any stretch in his favor.

So there you have it. Perhaps a bit obvious and expected, but I just couldn’t resist posting Kanye West as this week’s Arrogant Jerk for being such a sore looser, when winning should never have been his thing in the first place.

Enjoy the ride, you Arrogant Jerk; it’s is nearly over.

Today Michael Vick, the football superstar accused of hosting organized dog fights, pleaded guilty to said charges and secured his position as perhaps the first superstar to actually take responsibility for his own actions. I must say I am stunned.

Vick appeared reasonably sincere as he offered an apology to his teammates and coaches, and asked for forgiveness from the young fans that are hopefully reeling from the news that he was involved.

As a marketer, my study of this case lead me to expect that he would appeal to the public in some way, with denials and assertions that distributed blame and muddied the clarity of his guilt. After all, this is what I have grown to expect from our superstars; the likes of OJ, Specter, and so many politicians it would take the rest of my night to complete the list.

But no. Vick stood up and took it like a man. He even answered the judge respectfully with ‘yes sir’ and ‘no sir’. I honestly can’t recall the last time an obviously guilty party accepted responsibility so openly. Vick had a lot to loose, too, making his stance even more respectable.

In the end, Michael Vick may have pulled the ultimate trump card and played ‘responsibility’ to his favor. When I heard the news of his arrest a few weeks ago, I was disgusted and appalled. I had no sympathy for him and I hoped they threw the book at him.

Now, I am somewhat appeased that he has taken the high road. He stands to loose millions of dollars, and may well have given up what most Americans would consider the ultimate dream job. He’ll do some time, and end up on parole. There is even a chance he will be required to perform some type of humiliating public service. He seems ready to accept it, and somehow has already begun his walk down the road of redemption. Similar to my reaction when my own children answer an accusation with ‘Dad, I am sorry; it was a mistake’, I am diffused and at a loss for severity.

He won me over today, and it was brilliant.

So, today I write about an Arrogant Jerk Averted. Michael Vick; you have come through as a decent guy who made some bad decisions. You did some awful things to those dogs, so you must pay your penalty. However and in the end, I hope you can then be forgiven.

It is not often in these times that a roll model falls, and comes through a better role model. Michale Vick screwed up, and has the kajones to take the responsibility for his actions.

I travel a lot, and have become intimately familiar with the new rules of travel; heading through security I strip my accessories from every corner of my ensemble, remove shoes, and empty pockets. At first I always felt a little naked, but have gotten used to the routine and participate with appreciation and understanding for the reason why. I know not to talk about ‘bombs’ while at the airport, and never joke about what might be in my luggage, or complain too much when they find my clippers and toss them away.

The reason? 9/11 of course. I have to admit that every time I get on a plane, I still think about that day for just a second, think through my personal plan of action in case of an emergency, and then relax for the flight.

I am pretty sure that everyone, traveler or not, is aware of the somber seriousness that envelopes our modern day air travel. No one in their right mind would cause a scene, call attention to themselves, or treat the situation with frivolity.

Everyone, that is, except Dr. Kou Wei Chiu of Bellevue, Washington.

Dr. Chiu was late for his plan last Wednesday, and instead of spouting a string of swear words and looking for the next flight like the rest of us, he decided to call in a bomb threat to see if they would bring the plane back to the gate for him. Oh, it gets better…

It seems that, once he made the threatening call, air traffic control did not immediately call the plane back, so Dr. Chiu made two more calls for good measure. They called the plane back.

Now at this point in the story I am reminded of those guys that hoot and holler after women as they pass the construction site. I always wonder if the guys really think that, at some point, the girl is going to turn toward them and say ‘Sure, how ’bout it boys?’. In the same sense I am left wondering if Chiu (‘Dr.’ is just sounding too credible, all of the sudden) thought that they would actually bring the plane back to the gate, open the door and say ‘Hop on board sir, sorry we missed you.’

The story gets stranger, still, as we learn that Chiu checked his baggage under another name. Has he been living under a rock for the last 6 years?

Needless to say, the feds are in on this one, and it looks like the good doctor will be spending as many as five years up the river. In addition, he could get up to $250,000 piled on to his debt, care of the federal judiciary system. I am curious to know if the jilted passengers of flight 980 have any civil recourse. I honestly hope so. Franky it would be all I could do not to take my fury out on his hide.

I know the fear that can be generated when your plane suddenly makes an unexpected u-turn and gets priority landing ahead of fuel-rationing inbound flights. If the passengers were told at all I would be surprised, but I can only imagine the white-knuckle landing that would have provoked. This guy is among the worst of Arrogant Jerks.

I hope the feds throw the book at this guy. If five years and $250 big ones is all the law will allow, I say we stick it to him, let him ride it out, and then line up each passenger for another 10-15 years of civil suits.

When that is done, we can hand him over to that cop who beat the old lady last week for another good workover, just to teach him the lesson the rest of us learned the day after 9/11.

Dr. Kou Wei Chiu of Bellevue, Washington: You are an Arrogant Jerk.
Read all about it.

Be sure and read this very interesting comment about my ‘Plane’ post, and Dr. Kou Wei Chiu.

Here’s one for you: I was out and about town yesterday and found myself faced with one of those impossible left-hand turns into heavy traffic. I would have to cross heavy oncoming traffic coming from the left, and merge into heavy traffic coming from the right. No problem, I have good car-ma.

After waiting for a short stint, I spotted a chance opening on each side and made my plan. By my calculations, the openings would converge right in time for me to jump across the first three lanes, land in the suicide lane for just a second, and then merge nicely into perfect harmony with the moving traffic. I’ve got about 350 Arrogant horses under the hood, so the intricate timing could be performed with confidence.

With plenty of room opening up, I made my move. That’s when I encountered the rare but surprisingly aggressive ‘Female Arrogant Jerk’. As I made it to the suicide lane and double checked my alignment with the open space in traffic, the woman just behind the gap actually sped up to close me off. I actually made eye contact with her for a fraction of a second, and noticed the gap disappearing in front of her, and appearing behind her, at a rapid rate. Sure enough; she was intentionally cutting me off. What an Arrogant Jerk.

It’s not like she was going to save herself any time or trouble; traffic was too heavy for a single-car advance to make any significant difference, and we were fast approaching an already red stoplight, no where near the front of the line. Why this person thought it was necessary to cut me off under the circumstances can only be explained in one way: She was an Arrogant Jerk.

Not about to be out Jerked, I sparked my team of horses into full fury and wedged myself into the closing gap with a bravado that whispered confidently: ‘Oh no; I don’t think so.’ I particularly enjoyed watching in my rear view mirror as she burned through a little extra asbestos to shut it all down just a little earlier than she planned (and much earlier as necessary had she maintained her original speed).

I have no idea why she wanted to box me out. It really didn’t make any sense.

I have done some Arrogant things on the road, but I always try to be courteous. I have no patience for people who won’t let others in, around, or through. Especially when it is me, though it doesn’t have to be.

So here’s to you, ma’am; You are an Arrogant Jerk.

I don’t like people who turn without their blinkers, either, but I am sure that will come up later.