Arrogant Jerk

Dear Nancy,

My job is obsolete, no one wants my services, and for my products there are better, cheaper alternatives.

Please, on my behalf, ask the American tax payers to support me for the next 10 years while I work to produce nothing. Also, I would like a little extra because I plan to build a business with no plans to innovate any new products or services, and I will need employees to help me.

In this way I plan to help America by creating jobs for people who had to leave other similar businesses, or those who may be stuck in a government job with absolutely nothing to do in their entire work day.

I am writing with some urgency, too, because I did not plan for my future and unfortunately spent all my money on superfluous consumer goods. Last year I purchased a new automobile that was well beyond my means, and our extended vacation went a little over budget because, well, who doesn’t need souvenirs, right? Anyway; we are in a bit of a hurry because the bill collectors are starting to get a little impatient, and I would like to get them off my back before our cruise next month.

Please give my regards to those in the Senate who are opposing this much needed ’stimulus’ package. I do not understand why they would want to debate and scrutinize your plans when it is clear that America needs this money now! Don’t they realize that creating jobs out of thin air and putting people to work with no productive objective will give our economy a burst of energy in much the same way those expensive cans of energy drink do? I don’t mean to imply that our economy may experience an even more devastating ‘crash’ once the sugar rush is over; I am sure that once the extra roads and bridges are built, the condoms distributed, and the unnecessary litigation completed, that our American workers will have plenty of options for employment. After all, by then our economy will be back on it’s feet and running at full steam on the shoulders of our artificially inflated job market.

I think it is wrong for those senators to oppose you. They shouldn’t want to debate you or challenge your ideas; don’t they realize that you were awarded your position because you are smarter than everyone else? I’ll bet they just think you are an opportunistic partisan politician working to forward the liberal agenda without consideration for the potentially destructive consequences of spending nearly a trillion dollars on unproven financial tactics. They are probably saying things like ‘that’s what got us into this mess in the first place’. Ha, they just don’t know what they are talking about; everyone knows it is because Bush rushed us to judgment over false reports of WMDs.

I can remember hearing our then Leader and Chief shout over the podium ‘If we don’t act now, and without a moment’s consideration, all will be lost!’. ‘No time to debate’ he said, and rushed us to a war that cost more, did less, and nearly broke America in half with each side of our political structure simultaneously defending and attacking decisions on a daily basis. I am sure glad our new president is taking the time to review and weigh the considerations of both parties as he promised he would do, and taking pause to assure that we are not rushing to judgment as he so eloquently demonstrated was the failure of our previous administration.

So, with no further adieu I await a check from you as I eagerly look in my mail box every day. I am growing weary of doing nothing all day and not getting paid for it. It’s time for change, and I am ready for a new government who will finally see my plight and understand that I have needs, too. I appreciate your understanding for my situation, and am glad that your stimulus will come to me with little or no expectation that I will produce or innovate anything. That would be slavery!

I am glad, too, that this stimulus package will arrive in time to keep me off welfare; the last thing we need is a government burdened with paying welfare and saddled with bad debt. We all know where that leads: higher taxes. Glad we are not headed down that road. In fact, it would probably be a great idea if the government would just buy controlling interest in America’s large companies and banks to make sure that they continue to run like a well oiled machine, much like our social security, healthcare, and public education systems have done for so many years. We all know that companies can’t do well without government aid, tight regulations, and a steep tax on innovation and success. Companies should carry the load, not ‘us’!

Thank you, Nancy, for your commitment to bipartisanship, open debate, and the future of America. Thank you, too, for supporting our new president in his commitment to reach across the isle, to reach outside of Washington, and to reach consensus. I really think this is going to work.

—A. J.

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0209/18514.html

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 8:32 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.